FORUM: What’s the single best piece of advice for a new mentor you’ve ever heard?
Obviously, preparing brand new mentors for their role is one of the most important aspects of building great relationships and, ultimately, achieving program outcomes. Drs. Janis Kupersmidt and Jean Rhodes are in the process of evaluating their promising, new evidence-based training, which many programs have already praised for it’s clarity. But other trainings are uneven and not evidence-based. I’ve heard from many mentors over the years who felt their initial orientation and training was almost overstuffed with ideas, tips, strategies, and scenarios.
So let’s strip it down to its essence: What is the one thing you think a new mentor needs to know? What is the best piece of advice you would give a new mentor?
My idea: Don’t try and be a “fixer.” It’s not your role to solve the young person’s problems for them. Your role is to be a listener, a source of strength and ideas, and a conduit to other supports, so that the mentee can learn to solve their own issues and chart their own path.
So what do you think? Tell us what your one piece of critical advice would be in the comments below!
[image by Ryan Qiu]
Be authentic.
Sometimes,when mentors get discouraged and talk about not seeing the positive results they may have expected, either realistically, or unrealistically, I tell them that it’s hard to see and count what HASN”T happened!
What I mean is, what might have happened, had there not been a mentor in place….
Let your mentee reveal herself to you. Don’t respond to your mentee based on what you might know about him from your program coordinator (and try to limit what you find out). Rather, respond to the person she or he presens to you when you are together. As a mentor, you have the chance to see this young person differently than anyone has seen them in a long time, or differently than anyone has ever seen them. You really don’t need to know all the entries on their juvenile record or the sad details of their absentee parent. If it goes well, they will tell you that stuff eventually. To be a really good mentor, you just need to believe in your mentee’s potential to achieve and be there to guide and support them along the way.
Be consistent, positive, and relevant at the same time for a long time.
Tim – correctly and simply put! I agree!
Persistence is key. Even if you are not getting much response, your persistence communicates that you are a reliable adult who is not going away and that your mentee does not have to act in a certain way to keep your attention. Your persistence builds trust—but trust-building takes time.
I think it is important early on to establish what your relationship with your mentee is. In my case I was seen as the lady that “took them places and bought them things.” Not only did they expect things from me but so did their mother. It became a rather manipulative relationship that was hard to reign in once they perceived me as someone they could get stuff from.
If I was to do it again, I would not take a “little” on expensive day trips or buy them souvenirs or gifts. It’s important to establish a relationship as a friend and good role model rather than the notion of being a “big” with a fat wallet.
This is wonderfully supportive for me. I,’ve been mentoring a 12year old girl for about four months and I’m encouraged to learn that I’ve doing the right things. I work independently from any agency so am “flying” solo. I feel confident now that we are on the right path. I was concerned because she has yet to confide in me although she seems to enjoy being with me. She has referred to me as her grandma to her friends which makes me happy. I met her in a homeless shelter and know much about her that she does not know I know. Should I tell her I know or continue to wait and see if she brings anything up? This has been a great help for me.
Be committed and all in to the mentoring relationship not changing the young person. Be consistent, young people convert lack of consistency to lack of caring. Find ways to stay connected, keep the lines of communication open, mentoring relationship thrive when conversation is frequent and rich. Be yourself, young people will immediately sense if you are not authentic and will never expose themselves in return. Finally, you will make mistakes be willing to learn from them.
To show how poignant the first comment I heard from my mentor years ago – which I still use – is “I would like to know how to cook.”
That no tonly broke the ice for me but made me think why, what and who? I didn’t kno whow to cook but the fact that he was as in need as I was made us talk and thirty plus years later we remain very good ‘friends’and he still mentors me albeit more remotely and that is how it should be…
It is going to take time. Think back to all the relationships you built and understand that this too will be a process. Remember that the conversations about TV shows, favorite foods and other getting to know you topics are all part of mentoring. These conversations are valuable, not only do they help build trust but you are showing interest in your mentee’s life. This act will empower your mentee, help her feel important and show her that someone cares about and values her and her world. The first year of the match your only goal is to build a solid foundation to your mentoring relationship.
When I talk to someone considering mentoring, I explain the mentee needs to know the mentor is there for them, ‘in their corner’ listening and being non-judgemental. The mentee needs to know that if they are going to get together every Friday …. or even only the first Friday of every month – their mentor is there for them, every time to listen and encourage.
We tell mentors, “You may not feel like you see evidence of change or improvement in the child, even after six months or longer, and that can be discouraging. You may think you’re not making a difference or that the child is not learning from your example or appreciating your involvement. But change isn’t always obvious and it’s not unusual for a young person, years later, to name a mentor as the reason they made better decisions or achieved great things. Many of us have mentors, formal or informal, who we never thanked and who never realized that a word or act of kindness profoundly affected us. But great mentors have faith in the process and take joy in the simple indicators that there is a connection — a smile or confidence shared — understanding that profound and invisible shifts may be happening insight the heart and mind of that mentee. Know it to be true.”
Focus on building strengths and interests. Think “breadth and depth.” Your role is to expose your mentee to as many things as you can in this big wide world. Then when you find things that she is interested in or good at, give her as much depth of exposure as she wants.
Be yourself and be your best self – young people know when adults are being authentic (and when they’re not), so it’s better to start off the mentoring relationship being who you are. Additionally, take tips from your program to be a positive, strengths-based mentor, so that you can be the (sometimes only) adult who encourages that mentee that she has something to share with the world and that he can be who he wants to be.
Great question, Michael. I’m liking this thread!
During the 2013 National Mentoring Summit Catherine Miller, a teacher and mentor from M.S. 244 in the Bronx, offered these words of wisdom regarding the role of teachers and mentors; “we should hold up a child’s dream until their strong enough to hold it up themselves.” When asked about Ms. Miller’s support, her mentee shared, “she gave me the strength to get through each day and the courage to fight for another.”
That is awesome. Thanks for sharing that, Meg!
When training new mentors I always give them this advice: “A mentor is a non-judgemental advocate. A mentor is not a youth’s teacher, psychologist, priest, counselor or parent. Mentors just need to be themselves. Mentors just need to care. “
Do what you say you are going to do when you say you are going to do it. Don’t commit to things you can’t realistically do. When you aren’t able to keep commitments, apologize and recommit. Being reliable will build trust with your mentee and being honest about your limitations will model boundary setting.
“Being there” is a really big deal! Focus on fulfilling your promise to spend time with your mentee on a regular basis and avoid trying to fix them or their family. Trust takes time but once it is built everything becomes easier and you begin to understand how important the little things are. Scheduling face to face time and showing up on time is a great beginning. Remember their favorite color, favorite food – these little moments and attention to detail say you care. Enjoy, really enjoy, the journey.
In the beginning of the relationship (or even into the 18th month), 99% of the time a youth is not going to initiate a call to their mentor or even call their mentor back. It is the mentor’s responsibility to stay in touch with the mentee and keep trying. The very act of calling the youth and being persistent if they don’t respond shows the youth that the mentor is dedicated. This type of tenacity shows the youth this adult is here to stay and begins to build the trust that is needed for a successful relationship. Keep in mind some youth may feel uncomfortable calling a strange adult, they may forget to call, not want to talk to their mentor in front of friends or family members, or they may be too busy dealing with other stuff. Most importantly it rarely has anything to do them not liking their mentor.